Please help! 18 year old daughter pregnant

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Please help! 18 year old daughter pregnant
Posted by sadmom323
on 4/11/12 at 3:29pm
Hi, I am in bad need of some comfort and advice. Our precious 18 year old daughter informed us last Monday that she's pregnant. She just found out that day. She's already 3 months along and didn't know because she was "cycling" her pills to skip three months worth of periods at a time. She turned 18 in March, so though it doesn't matter, she was still 17 when this happened. We are crushed and heartbroken. She is a wonderful person with good values (or so we thought) and was planning to start community college after graduation at the end of May. She's always talked about wanting a house, nice cars, etc., and how she wasn't having kids because she's not really into them. Now here we are. She is insistent on keeping the baby and her boyfriend (who we can't stand simply because he's used her and treated her poorly in the past) seems to be fine with that. I just NEVER thought this would happen to us, we're upper middle class, she's well put together with people always telling her she should be a model, she loves being with family and has never really caused us any problems (I don't mean to sound snooty by mentioning these things, I just don't understand why this happened). One thing I can't wrap my head around is why it's happening to us. It always seems the stereotype for pregnant teens is that they come from divorced or uneducated families, etc.; none of which is true here. We are devastated and our initial reaction was not good at all. I've been trying to really calm down with each day and be there for her instead of thinking of my own feelings, but I have sobbing breakdowns multiple times a day. This is not what we wanted for her and sadly, a part of our anger and emotions come from thinking about what we've lost with her. We've been a close family and she told us she was going to live at home for 2 more years (before this). I've always been anxious and depressed about her growing up and not living with us anymore, but had just finally relaxed and let it go because I thought "oh two more Christmases, two more summer vacations, two years!". Now I'm on the verge of panic because realistically she probably won't stay at home once the baby's here and will probably move out before. I worry about this Christmas, our summer vacation we were supposed to take, etc. My mind's just racing with sad thoughts and dwelling on how we will never have this time with our daughter again. She and I use to have so much fun together just being crazy and I'm grieving that it's all gone now. I also find myself dwelling on the fact that she is now not going to be getting all those nice material things she talked about soon (I know that's silly but ...). I feel so bad for her that she's changed her path and I don't know how to get past that. She's not happy about it and is angry that she let it happen, but she is determined to keep it. I'm looking for advice on trying to let my feelings and sorrow go so that we can once again enjoy eachother and maybe even reassurance from others with experience that our life together is not ending and we will still be able to do these things; hopefully I'm over-reacting. Thank you so much for any help. I'm desparate and tired of bauling all day!

Replies (1-10 of 61)

Posted by evanne337
on 4/11/12 at 3:31pm (1 like)

I also have a 18 year old daughter she is 18 weeks along due to graduate in may it is very tough ...I am still upset but doing any and everything I can to help her I have known for 10 weeks now but I promise it get easier
Posted by evanne337
on 4/11/12 at 3:34pm

Although I am still very sad for her being a young mom I will still push her to go to college and do all the things she has wanted to do. We are very close also I had her at 17 .we have our days now where my emotions of all this get in the way.
Posted by rkoloms
on 4/11/12 at 3:36pm (2 likes)

I can't imagine what you are going through! Your daughter is an adult, and has chosen her path. She can still attend college; it will just take her longer, and she will have more responsiblities: she will have to learn to balance child, work, school.
Once she is faced with the reality of living on her own, she may ask to move back, at least until she finishes college.
Posted by sadmom323
on 4/11/12 at 3:54pm

Thank you for the replies, and it helps to know we're not alone although in reality I know this is a very common occurrence these days, unfortunately. I'm just SO extremely saddened and SO afraid of losing her (I know she can't live with me forever, but I thought I had two more years). Our biggest fear is that she'll move in with her boyfriend and that'll be it! I'm sure my mind is over-playing it but I can't stop it. My other big problem I forgot to post earlier is that I cannot stop blaming myself!! Her doctor told her about cycling her pills when she put her on them two years ago to regulate periods. I work for a medical office and am not the least bit hesitant to discuss sex with her. This is the only guy she has dated and she wasn't sexually active until almost 17. We had multiple talks about how this was not a green light to have sex but if she was going to, to make absolutely sure she is taking the pills around the same time each day, not skipping pills, backup if she gets put on antibiotics, etc. I gave her the permission to cycle her pills, but asked her not to do that if she was going to be sexually active (knowing it could prevent her from knowing of a mishap). My biggest blame on myself is that from November to mid December I talked several times with her about the implatable birth control that's on the market and informed her that this was an option we would pay for. We read and found out it wouldn't help regulate periods and might in fact make them worse so I asked what she wanted to do. She told me she didn't need it for birth control so it was pointless to do it if it would make her periods worse. Had I forced her to get it put in, we would NOT be in this situation today! How do you get over that as a parent??? I knew that she was dating the boyfriend behind our backs (we had told her not to after we found out about him using her and being very disrespectful to her last fall) but I actually believed her when she told me she was not having sex in December. They never hung out or went anywhere together, she was always at home. Well, this happened at the boyfriend's house over the school lunch period! I just don't know how to move past the feeling that I failed as a parent by giving her the choice about the implant and cannot quit wanting to go back and change that:(
Posted by Jaxmomof2600
on 4/11/12 at 3:58pm (8 likes)

You know it seems like the end of the world until you hear about someone who is 18 and just told they have cancer. She'll be fine enjoy your grandchild.
Posted by FindersKeepers
on 4/11/12 at 5:22pm (8 likes)

Ok... this is going to feel a little harsh but it is tough love time.

You need to calm down. You are making a very difficult time for your daughter about you. Yes you are upset and you will need time to grieve... but now is not that time. Right now... you need to support your daughter and let her know that you love her, you are there for her and assure her that she is going to be okay.

Be greatful that she is alive, healthy, honest with you and willing to take on a baby even if wasn't part of her plan. She still has her whole life ahead of her and she will still be able to live her dreams... they will just look a little different now. If you can support her now, you won't lose her. If you continue to wallow in self-pity and disappointment you will... she would have to move away from you for her own health and sanity (and the baby's).

So the part where you get to grieve.... It is okay to be sad over the loss of a dream... You need to realize that is all you lost... your dream for your daughter.... take some time alone (where your DD can't see you).... and scream, cry, curse... whatever you need to do to purge yourself of this loss.... ONCE... then you need to move on... and get ready to be a loving a supportive grandma.
Posted by GentleGoddess
on 4/11/12 at 5:27pm (1 like)

Breathe. It will all work out in the end. My sister was 19 when she had her first daughter, her daughter is now 18. And a great kid.
Easier said then done. But it will all work out.
What's that saying... Accept the things I can't not change... And change the things I can.... Something like that. I can never remember it.
Posted by FindersKeepers
on 4/11/12 at 5:27pm (1 like)

You need to get over not liking the boyfriend.   He is your DD boyfriend and will be your grandchild's father... as long as he will be in the picture... you only cause harm to everyone to make him your enemy.   For whatever happened in the past, you may have to find it in your heart to give him the benefit of the doubt of being young and immature and start fresh.... You will be family now.

Your daughter is 50% responsible for getting pregnant and he is 50% responsible.... you can let yourself off the hook.   You had tt her about safe sex and provided her with birth control. Not much else you could have done.

Quoting sadmom323:

Thank you for the replies, and it helps to know we're not alone although in reality I know this is a very common occurrence these days, unfortunately. I'm just SO extremely saddened and SO afraid of losing her (I know she can't live with me forever, but I thought I had two more years). Our biggest fear is that she'll move in with her boyfriend and that'll be it! I'm sure my mind is over-playing it but I can't stop it. My other big problem I forgot to post earlier is that I cannot stop blaming myself!! Her doctor told her about cycling her pills when she put her on them two years ago to regulate periods. I work for a medical office and am not the least bit hesitant to discuss sex with her. This is the only guy she has dated and she wasn't sexually active until almost 17. We had multiple talks about how this was not a green light to have sex but if she was going to, to make absolutely sure she is taking the pills around the same time each day, not skipping pills, backup if she gets put on antibiotics, etc. I gave her the permission to cycle her pills, but asked her not to do that if she was going to be sexually active (knowing it could prevent her from knowing of a mishap).   My biggest blame on myself is that from November to mid December I talked several times with her about the implatable birth control that's on the market and informed her that this was an option we would pay for. We read and found out it wouldn't help regulate periods and might in fact make them worse so I asked what she wanted to do. She told me she didn't need it for birth control so it was pointless to do it if it would make her periods worse. Had I forced her to get it put in, we would NOT be in this situation today! How do you get over that as a parent??? I knew that she was dating the boyfriend behind our backs (we had told her not to after we found out about him using her and being very disrespectful to her last fall) but I actually believed her when she told me she was not having sex in December. They never hung out or went anywhere together, she was always at home. Well, this happened at the boyfriend's house over the school lunch period! I just don't know how to move past the feeling that I failed as a parent by giving her the choice about the implant and cannot quit wanting to go back and change that:(
Posted by atlmom2
on 4/11/12 at 5:36pm (1 like)

She is 18 so I would let her and her boyfriend figure it out. They are adults and its their baby. She isn't 15. I understand the grief. She made a new path for herself and it had nothing to do with you. Yep, you have to let her go and she can go to college. Many new mom's still go to college. My Mom was in a class with a single Mom who had her baby during Christmas break and came back to school for the new semester in January. I guess it was good timing on her part.

I would be devastated if my almost 21 yo dd would be pregnant. She says she never wants kids either. I hope if she never wants any, she doesn't have any.
Posted by mrsdic
on 4/11/12 at 5:42pm (2 likes)

i was 18 when i got pregnant..... it's not the end of the world. she's in for a bumpy ride though. there's plenty of resources out there for her. at home schooling should be what she's looking into now. if you are willing to provide some financial assistance, she can work part time, go to school part time, and still be a mother. she's just gonna be very tired!! i had to leave my house for a while when i got pregnant and then wound up moving out anyway. my mom helped me out with a lot of stuff - makes all the difference in the world. don't dwell on how you're "upper middle class" (who cares, those kids still have sex) and how it messes you up and your time with her is gone (it's not) and just be there for her.